


Habits

by liebling



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: Alpha Steve Rogers, Alpha/Beta/Omega Dynamics, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Breaking Up & Making Up, Don't copy to another site, M/M, Omega Bucky Barnes, Omega Tony Stark, Post-Break Up
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-12-12
Updated: 2019-06-17
Packaged: 2019-09-17 03:19:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 6,612
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16966686
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/liebling/pseuds/liebling
Summary: Tony misses his alpha, Steve, a lot. But that doesn't change anything, he'll always be the second choice.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> No Tony Stark is not stuck anywhere. Certainly not in space.

The alpha he was grinding with lowered his hands to Tony's butt, dragging him on his clothed erection. The music was loud, the bass vibrating through his frame. He was in the middle of a throng of people, dancing his heart out.

Or vertically expressing his desire for the alpha.

He had arrived at the club around 2 A.M. with a group of ‘friends’. Unable to deal with the empty house and emptier bed, he had called up some people up for a night out on town, on his card.

Two weeks ago the love of his life walked out on him. No biggie. He had dealt with worse in the past and came out stronger. But he was unwilling to sit in that fucking house, haunted by memories of better times. He just had to avoid staying there during nights.

Usually, his method of mending a broken heart meant an engineering binge that culminated in a truly inspiring piece of technology. He could still recall, with pride if he might add, the epic binge after Sunset Bain left with some of his plans for future products; he came up with a new line of Stark Prosthetics TM  and the stock price for Stark Industries shot up so much the Board of Directors forgot to be assholes for a second.

This time though, this time, the science didn’t come. What came was tears and snot. What came was punching a mirror. What came was the desire to go crawling back to his alpha.

Basically abject misery.

So he came out to drink and have fun. Not that he was having fun. But the drinking part was good.

If he was drunk then maybe he won’t miss Steve so much.

Yeah right.

But anything to get the alpha out of his mind. Anything. Even though he never wanted to forget a second. So he continued to dry hump the alpha in front of him, tall, wiry, and brunet, as different from Steve as he could find.

Steve.

At that thought, he took the alpha’s wrist and dragged him out back in the alley. Maybe he could fuck his ex-alpha out of his system.

Hours later he got home somehow and just face planted in their... his bed and went to sleep.

All alone, unable to handle the touch of any other alpha but Steve.

 

* * *

 

Another night and he couldn't stand the empty apartment. Maybe he should sell it. But then he would lose what little he had of Steve and he wasn’t ready for that yet, not by a long shot.

It had all started innocuously. Steve had mentioned going out for coffee with an old friend, reconnecting about their shared past in the military. And Tony had been happy for him, glad that his alpha, in all but name, had someone with whom he could talk about the horrors of war.

Because sure as hell he wasn’t gonna share them with Tony. It had stopped hurting him as much as it did during the early part of their relationship. Steve and his friend started meeting up every week and Tony was still ok with that.

But then he had found out that this ‘friend’ was Steve’s ex-omega, James ‘Bucky’ Barnes. He had flipped the lid at that.

They had fought for hours, screaming and shouting. And then Steve called him insecure and needy. That had shut down the conversation fast. Steve had tried apologizing, saying it just came out in the heat of the moment, that he didn’t believe that about him but Tony just couldn't understand how Steve could call him something like that and not believe it in his heart.

He had locked himself in their room and had shouted at Steve to leave and the stupid alpha listened to him and had left. Now, three weeks later he knew he was spiralling. Pepper looked at him with worry and Rhodey called him every chance he got. But he didn’t know how to fix anything. He knew he loved Steve but he honestly didn’t know if Steve loved him back.

Maybe he had shacked up with his former omega. Happy that his obligation to Tony was over. Maybe they were in bed right now celebrating. Tony gagged at the thought.

But that was what he had deserved, for being too much and not enough.

 

 


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Life continues to kick my ass.

His first heat without Steve is brutal. It’s been two months since Steve left and Tony is as miserable as ever. He had hoped that the alpha would have called him by now but there is radio silence. By this time he is sure that Steve is happy about the break-up. The ‘no you move’ man not being stubborn about it is a pretty big clue.

He writhes in agony, he wants his alpha, the connection they shared with each other but he has to make do with a dildo. There are times when the tears overpower the lust and he just sits in his shower, music blaring at a high volume an accompaniment to his sobbing.

He knows he isn’t long from a time where he will call Steve just to hear his voice.

But he knows there is no use. Steve is with Bucky now. He is sure of this in his heart. Bucky isn’t just any ex, he is the one that got away. He broke up with Steve when the alpha was in the army were fighting in the war and Steve spent weeks trying to get them back together. But soon Bucky transferred to another unit and Steve took the hint. But he obviously never got over it.

But they were together now so it was all okay. Everyone is happy.

Except Tony.

 

* * *

 

Later in the day, when his hand hurts but his body wants more, he hears the doorbell. He hasn’t ordered any food so it is probably Pepper with some because he will not let any others around him during his heat.

He puts on a robe and stumbles his way to the door, sure that the doorman will not let just anyone enter.

So he is really surprised when he sees Steve standing outside the door.

So surprised in fact that he blurts out, “What the fuck are you doing here?” 

Steve’s face crumples when he hears this and his voice sounds choked when he says, “Tony, baby I am so sorry I came, I just I missed you.”

Tony is astounded at the levels Steve is willing to go. He must know that this was when his heat was scheduled. He never expected the alpha to be like this. “So you come during my heat, yeah that sounds very believable Steven.”

“No, I don’t know, I kept thinking about you with some other alpha and the next thing I know I was standing outside your building.”

Tony wants to cry, he can’t believe that Steve is like all the other alphas he’s fucked over the years and the ones he wanted to fuck but couldn’t over the past few weeks. That Steve just wants to sleep with him.

He isn’t in the best mental condition and this fact just pushes him over the ledge and he starts sobbing his heart out. The lust recedes which is good because right now even the idea of it is too much to bear.

Suddenly strong arms enclose him and he lets them for a second, starved for the alpha's touch. But he soon shakes those arms off and turns to tell Steve to fuck off.

But when he turns he sees Steve is crying too. And then Tony looks deeper and sees the bags under his eyes and the dishevelled appearance, and knows that the alpha has been going through a tough time.

What he can’t figure out is why. Steve got exactly what he wanted, his old omega Bucky, so why was he sad?

“Tony, please don’t cry. You know I can’t bear it when you cry.” He looks so sad when he says this, fists clenched by his sides.

“What do you care Steve, go back to your omega. I don’t want you here.” Tony could scream at the pain he feels when he says this but he will never beg Steve to stay. No matter how much he wants to.

Steve, however, looks stunned at this, like he’s never heard all of this before.

“What omega Tony? You’re the only one in my life.”

Tony's blood boils when he hears this. He doesn’t need Steve to protect him from this or lie about what he has been doing for the last two months. Who he has been doing.

“Bucky, the omega you were sneaking around with. The one you have loved all these years.” And isn’t that the kicker. If Steve had spent time with Bucky without telling Tony, sharing his life then did he ever really love Tony? Or was he just a stop-gap, a way to pass the time until he got the one he really wanted.

Steve’s stance changes the second he hears this, he becomes The Solider, and Tony could never understand him. “How can you say that? I have never loved anyone more than I have loved you.”

And Tony wishes he had the strength to laugh because this could only be a joke. But his eyes start to water again because that’s how Steve would sound before they broke up and this encounter is just confusing him now.

“Shut up Steve.” He turns to go in, hoping that the alpha would leave but then Steve says something that just sucker punches him.

“I love you Tony Stark, and I haven’t touched another omega since I first saw you.”

He turns and just stares, willing that this is true but knowing that it isn’t.

“I know I should have told you about Bucky, I know that. But I knew you would take it badly. I am sorry. And I know I shouldn’t have called you clingy. You aren’t clingy. What you are is the best man I have ever me..”

Tony stops this rambling apology and gets right to the heart of the matter, “if I matter so much to you why didn’t you call or text. Why did you just leave? Why didn’t you fight for me?”

And that the real reason why Tony is so sad, Steve always promised that he would fight for their love but obviously not.

Steve’s entire countenance stiffens and he swallows, “At first it was because you told me to get out and I was so ashamed. But then I heard that you were meeting alphas in clubs and I thought you had moved on.”

“Oh really, then why did you come running today? I could have been getting fucked by someone.” Steve was always the possessive kind. Let him think that Tony had moved on and was fucking every alpha in sight. Even though Tony knows he hasn’t touched anyone, unable to stomach the idea of others.

Steve flinches at that and in a small voice asks, “are you?”

“What does it matter Steve”

“It matters because I love you, it matters because I am sorry, it matter because I wanna come home.” Steve is crying now, what a pair they make.

“Didn’t faze you before, you got used to it pretty soon.” Tony is tired of this fight, he just wants to lie down and go to sleep for a thousand years.

Steve suddenly walks towards him and gets down on his knees in front of Tony. And Tony is so surprised by this that he lets Steve hold his hips while he leans his head on Tony stomach.

“Tony, baby, I came here today because I was so afraid that you would bond with someone. That you would forget about me. I came because I am sorrier that you could imagine. I will do anything it takes for you to forgive me.”

He looks up beseechingly, blue eyes swimming in tears.

And Tony doesn’t know why he isn’t ready to believe this. Why he asks what he asks. “And what about Bucky?”

“Bucky was my friend Tony, and yes I loved him, I did. But that love is nothing compared to what I feel for you. It isn’t.

You are everything. Everything”

Tony kneels too. He doesn’t know what to think. Lack of sleep and his heat have left him slow and sluggish. He looks into Steve’s face and sees only love. But he knows that’s not enough.

“That isn’t enough Steve, I had months to think about this and I came to the conclusion that you don’t love me like I love you.”

Steve is already shaking his head and Tony barrels on, “Let me speak.

You don’t share anything with me, you never tell me anything. Do you know how that feels? All through our relationship, I felt like I was a second thought. I love you but you don’t love me.”

Steve looks horrified.

“Tony, I didn’t want to burden you, I didn’t want to put those horrors on you.”

“But that made you go to Bucky, didn’t it? Admit it Steve, I wasn’t as important as you wanted me to believe.”

Tony will always be an afterthought to people, he knows that. But his relationship with Steve had fooled him into a false sense of security, that's why he had been unable to see the reality.

Steve still looks gutted, “Tell me how to fix this. I will do anything. Please.”

Tony looked into the face he loves and wondered if he could believe what Steve was saying.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the cliffhanger.  
> [My Tumblr](https://hannibalatemyheart.tumblr.com/)   
> Shout at me to write faster or ask me questions, like I would die if you do that.


	3. Chapter 3

“You can’t fix it, Steve. I love you but I don’t know if I can trust you.” Tony couldn’t believe he was saying something like this. He had thought that he would beg the alpha to take him back, but presented with the chance he was throwing it away.

Maybe it was because he knew what it felt like to be loved completely, whatever he thought completely was, by Steve. And that has ruined him for everyone else.

Possibly too ruined for Steve too.

“No Tony you can always trust me. I made a mistake, it was just a mistake. I should have told you about Bucky. I shouldn’t have left.” The alpha’s eyes were streaming with tears and his voice was choked.

“Can I? You can’t even tell me about your life in the army?”

“It wasn’t because you were not important enough or that I didn’t love you enough. It was because I didn’t want to burden you.”

“Steve the end result was the same. You kept me out while I have never done that. I gave you all of me. Always.

Tell me why I shouldn’t just go out and get another alpha. Someone who’ll love me better. Someone who will treat me like I deserve. I could be someone’s first choice.” Tony hugs himself tighter, wishing to protect himself, and moving away from Steve.

The alpha turns white at this. Tony knows he is taunting Steve but then he has been tormented by Bucky for a long time. The spectre becoming a horrifying reality with the other omega getting what was Tony's.

Not sex, he believes Steve when he says he hasn’t slept with anyone else. He is good at reading Steve when he’s not being all soldierly. What he means are time and emotions. Parts of Steve's life that he has always kept away from Tony.

Steve scoots forward and cups his face, and Tony can’t help but nuzzle into those warm hands, they had always kept him safe.

“Baby, I love you. I promise I will never again hurt you this way.” Steve is begging. But Tony knows that if he gives in now he will get sucked into this black hole. He will never be able to get out.

He stands up quickly and his heart hurts from being separated from the man he loves. But this is what he needs to do. He looks into the face he loves and sees love but he doesn’t know if will ever be able to trust the man. Mind made up he again utters the three words he had regretted for the past few months, “Get out Steve.”

He turns to leave but nothing could have prepared him for what Steve says next.

“NO.”

He turns around and looks at the alpha and wonders why he couldn’t have said this then.

“I am not leaving, never again. I can’t live without you, Tony. I don’t know why I was stupid enough to stay away. And I don’t know how I didn’t spend every waking minute making you feel as loved as you deserve. I love you.”

He stares the alpha for a long time, too long, and wonders if he can trust all this.

“Give me one reason to trust you. One.” He wonders if he is bending but every part of him aches with the need to be with Steve.  

“Because you love me. I made a mistake and I know there is no life for me if I don’t have you.”

And with that outpouring, he knows that it is becoming too much for him. He needs room to breathe and think.

“Steve please go. I need time to think. You broke my heart, at least give me time to think.” He is crying again, he doesn’t know how to deal with all of this.

“If I go you’ll leave me. You won’t come back. I left the last time and I was so alone and you slept with other people.” Steve had his head clutched in his hands and was crying. And Tony wanted to comfort him, a primal need to soothe his pains and aches. But right now he needed to think about himself.

“I didn’t sleep with anyone. I tried, a lot. But nobody was you.” Steve whipped his head up and stared at Tony with so much hope.

“If I love you and you love me then why can’t we just move forward. Be angry, be mad, be disappointed. Do anything baby, I don’t care but please don’t ask me to leave. I won’t survive it another time.” Steve wiped the tears from his cheeks and he looked like he would truly jump from a tall building if it made Tony happy.

God, how did the alpha always have the words that touched Tony’s innermost core? Those words were waking up a hope that he had worked hard to squash.

“Love isn’t enough sometimes. Please, Steve, I need time to think about this. I promise I will call you when I have decided.” He knew he was breaking his own heart but he also knew he wanted someone to love him and only him.

Steve gets up dejectedly, "call me, please. I am yours forever, please believe me when I say that."

 And with that he left. Again. 


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Shortish chapter, sorry for that.

**1 Month Ago**

Steve knows he fucked up. What he doesn’t know is how he could have done such a thing. Tony is the love of his life. Some days the idea of seeing the omega laugh was the only reason he had the energy to wake up.

Talking to Bucky was a mistake.

No, not talking to him. But hiding the fact from Tony was a mistake. Leaving Tony was a mistake.

He would do anything to get the man back in his life. He just wanted a chance. One chance. But he didn’t know how to look into the face he loved after calling the man clingy.

It just came out in the heat of the moment. He had never meant it. He loved how much Tony loved him. It was unlike anything he had ever experienced. He knew he was loved completely and it was such a warm feeling. It was like seeing the sun after a long winter.

He had always dreamed of meeting someone like Tony. Someone who would choose to be with Steve every day, choose to commit to him in every way.

He didn’t know where he had forgotten it. When he decided that their love could be insulted like that.

He knew that Tony was an insecure man. With a history like his, it was understandable. And now Steve, who had promised to always cherish and protect the man, was just another in a long line of betrayals.

He knew he had made a mistake and he didn’t know how to solve it.

Could he go and beg? Would that even work?

Tony had obviously moved on. Scores of newspapers were covering Tony's escapades with other alphas. If he had to see another picture of some third rate alpha grinding his omega... No, not his omega anymore. It was like an itch under his skin, the knowledge that others had been with Tony, that they had taken what was only theirs and dirtied it.

He had been planning to propose a bond. The idea of being one with the love of his life had been circling his mind and with a heat coming up he and Tony would have been one. He was sure Tony would have said yes. He knew he was loved.

But now Tony had moved on, at least physically, and the thought of it made him nauseous. He didn’t have the stomach to go see Tony; he felt the shame in his burning like a ball of lead in the centre of his chest.

 

* * *

 

 

**2 Days Ago**

He couldn’t breathe. He needed air. He had asthma as a child and that is exactly what he was feeling right now. Tony was in heat. He knew that, the omega went into it like clockwork.

His omega was in heat and he probably had someone with him. Servicing him. Touching him. Would he knot Tony or would the omega refuse? Were they having sex in their bed? Was Tony calling out someone else’s name?

What if Tony bonded with another alpha?

He was feeling like someone was eating him inside out. His heart hurt and he knew he was at the edge of insanity. He couldn’t lose Tony. He just couldn’t. One mistake should not be enough to ruin the best thing in his life.

He had to go and see the man.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [My Tumblr](https://hannibalatemyheart.tumblr.com/)  
> Please come and shout at me to write faster or if you have a request or some idea for this fic.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to my amazing reader DaughteroftheSilverMoon for her amazing idea. I find text in links hard so this is her ao3 account, https://archiveofourown.org/users/DaughteroftheSilverMoon 
> 
> Also, do tell me if this fic needs an epilogue because I am not sure.

As soon as Steve left, Tony collapsed into a heap on the floor but the expected tears did not come. He must have run out. Whatever the reason Tony didn’t cry. He sat there on the floor for a long time and wondered at his own stupidity.

He had Steve in front of him, begging to come back home and promising to love only Tony. Words and promises he had wanted to hear for so long. His body and mind were yearning to return to the alpha, his alpha. But he couldn’t make himself believe those words. They sounded pretty but he knew that the trust that they shared was gone now. Some sensible part of his brain refused to cooperate.

Could he forgive and forget? Was it possible? Tony had been betrayed many times in his life, by his friends and his lovers. He had become wary of any new people in his life; sure that he was a terrible judge of character. But Steve was different. He had barrelled into Tony's life and had refused to leave. Stubborn as an ox, Steve decided that he loved Tony and that was that. Basically, Tony had never expected that someone would love him like that.

So fully and completely.

Which is why it was such a huge shock to learn that Steve had been off meeting some other omega in secret. And then the words he used against Tony when he brought it up like he was the one who was in the wrong. Like he didn’t have the right to ask about things. He couldn’t help but question the depth of Steve’s love. Oh, he knew Steve liked him well enough. But if he ran to his old omega then maybe Tony was just a stop gap. Not perfect but would work right now.

Feeling his stomach churning at the thought he wondered if there was even a way out of this mess? He remembered a poem he had read once and it had talked about how love is like a string, once you break it you can never fix it. And if you try there will always be a knot present. Wasn’t that what was happening here?

Getting up when his body started to protest, Tony stretched. It seemed that the confrontation with Steve had put a hold on his heat. So he decided that a warm bath and a clean bed were the way to go.

Later when he was laid up in bed, he wondered what he would do now. It seemed like there was nothing he could do, no way to move forward. It was circular in a way. Tony loved Steve, it seemed like Steve loved Tony. But Tony could not forgive Steve.

He wanted to cry but again no tears came.

Maybe, maybe meeting Steve and getting some answers was enough. Maybe this would be enough to move on. But did he want to move on? Could he really imagine a life without Steve? Weeks, months, years and decades without seeing that face, without feeling those arms wrap around him. Without his kisses. Without Steve deep inside him.

Forgetting all about the life they had planned together.

No, he couldn’t.

But he also knew that if they entered a relationship again, he would spend their entire lives worried about something like this. Worried that Steve would leave him. That he would shut Tony outside again.

Circular. And Tony really saw no way out of this maze.

 

* * *

 

Steve knew he had fucked up. This whole thing was his fault. This one secret and his attempts to justify them had wrecked the best thing in his life.

He left Stark Tower a mess. He somehow got back to his new flat and the contrast between this place and his home was staggering. It looked like no one lived there. It wasn’t the bare walls or the silence that bugged him; it was the clear lack of Tony. When he lived with Tony, Steve could find proof of his existence everywhere around him. The coffee pots and Starkpads in each room, and screwdrivers everywhere.

He didn’t know how he didn’t go mad before.

He had to talk to Tony again, convince the man of his love. They had to get back together. It might take time but he was willing to do anything. They had to go back to being one again. Anything else was unacceptable.

 

* * *

 

His heat didn’t really come back. He was hornier than usual and still slightly slick but it wasn’t even close to the desperation he had felt before. So he stayed home and tinkered in his workshop, grateful for his Pepper sanctioned heat-leave.

On the last day, he called Rhodey, missing his honey bear more than words could describe. Why were all of his friends so far away? Pepper had left yesterday to go to California for a meeting. Rhodey was deployed. Bruce was in India, finding himself in the hills, Beatles style.

“Come on Tones, tell me what you are thinking.” Rhodey was extremely worried about him. That worry felt like a soothing balm on his aching soul.

“I’m thinking that it’s stupid to try again. I’m thinking that I’d be the biggest fool ever to trust him again. I’m thinking that I should just cut my losses and forget about him.” Even saying the words left him feeling sick to his stomach.

“Do you really want to do that? Or are you doing it because that’s what you think you should be doing.” Rhodey looked at him with a weird look which he was unable to understand.

Tony stared at him. He was sure that his best friend would tell him to dump Steve and never look back. And he said as much.

Rhodey sighed, “dude you love him, and if you wanna work through this then you should try it. I don’t want you to make a decision that you will regret.”

“So you don’t think I would be a pushover for letting him get away with this?”

“I would never think that but if you don’t want to forgive him then that is valid too. My point is that you shouldn’t do anything that you don’t want to.”

“But how do I know if I am doing the right thing.” He knew he was whining but given the circumstance, he thought he got a pass.

“You don’t. It’s a leap of faith Tony. Whatever you choose to do will require courage which you have.”

Tony mulled this long after Rhodey left. He felt better after speaking to his friend, and basking in the love and worry he had for Tony. He didn’t have an answer to his question but he did felt better than he had in weeks.

He knew the only way to get an answer; talk to Steve.

 

* * *

 

 

After a week, and a lot of alcohol, Tony was ready to face the world again. He knew what he had to do. His confused feelings didn’t let him relax for a second and he wanted answers. The suspense was killing him.

So he dialed Steve’s number and he picked up in two rings.

“Tony hi.” The man sounded so hopeful that Tony's insides clenched.

“Hello, Steve. I think we should talk. Would you come to my apartment?” He knew he sounded formal but falling back to his practiced nonchalance was the only way he could control his feelings right now.

“Of course Tony, anything.”

 

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

 

Tony was nervous, jittery. He couldn’t sit still and he felt he was too keyed up for this conversation.

The doorbell rang and he launched himself at the door to open it. Steve looked pretty much the same as he did last time, just without tears.

He entered the wordlessly and Tony just walked over to the couch, with Steve closely behind.

Once they were both sitting, no one started talking. But honestly Tony didn’t know how to start.

How do you start a conversation like this?

He took a deep breath and plunged in. He looked up at Steve and those eyes he loved were intensely staring at him. He sat there rigid and unmoving, as though waiting for a terrible blow.

Courage, Tony thought to himself, courage.

“Steve I need to know why you did this.” Tony had already braced himself to hear all of it but he knew it wouldn’t be easy. ”Tell me everything and spare no detail. I don’t care if it hurts me but I need to know everything.”

Steve took a deep breath.

“A few months ago Bucky messaged me out of the blue. He had gotten my number from an army buddy of mine. He had left the army and was living in Brooklyn and heard that I lived here too. He suggested we meet up for coffee and I thought why not. Before we dated he had been my best friend. I didn’t tell you because I know you; you wouldn’t have been okay with it. So I thought what is one meeting.”

He snorted but it didn’t seem like he was finding this any funnier than Tony was. The story had just started and Tony was already feeling the vice of sadness tighten around him.

“We met and it was like old times. After it was over, Bucky suggested we meet again and soon we were meeting regularly. And I still didn’t want to tell you. I thought it was because I was protecting you from worry. Turns out I was doing it because I was a coward and didn’t want to lose the best thing in my life.” He sounded so dejected that Tony almost comforted him. Almost.

“So why didn’t you stop meeting him?” He was so curious to know what it was about Bucky that made Steve go back again and again. It was a sick sort of curiosity. He knew the answer would break his heart but he still had to know.

Steve looked at him and tears were pooling in his eyes. “I don’t really know Tony. Maybe it was because I was getting closure, maybe it was because it felt good to have my best friend again. But Tony you have to believe me when I say there was nothing romantic between us. It wasn’t a meeting of lovers but of friends.”

Tony swallowed the lump that seemed to have formed in his throat.

“Steve you have to see how difficult it is for me to believe. It’s Bucky. He was the love of your life.”

“NO.” Steve roared and came to kneel in front of Tony, “you are. You are the love of my life. Yes, I loved him once upon a time; I will not insult both of us by pretending otherwise. But you, Tony, are the love of my life. There will be no one after you. I will never recover from our love. I don’t want to.” He looked so sincere that Tony wanted to believe him. “It’s funny how you could be making the worst mistake of your life and not notice it. Not recognize the impact of that single decision.”

“Then what happened?”

“Well you found out and I blew up on you. I still don’t understand how I could say something like that to you. Except I think it was because I was angry at myself. I think I was so ashamed that I lashed out.”

Here comes the other point that caused all this mess. “Do you really think I am needy and clingy?” Tony had obsessed over this so much. He couldn’t get it out of his head that the reason for Steve’s departure was that Tony was too much. Demanded too much of his time and energy.

Now Steve was crying in earnestness. “No baby, never. I don’t know why I said that but you are not needy. I love it when you come to me. I love it when you seek me out after a long day or when you are tired. Taking care of you is not a chore, it’s an honor.

All I can say is that I am sorry. I now know what life is like without you. I can’t do it.” Steve tried to take his hands in his but Tony withdrew and Steve withdrew his hands, a broken expression on his face.

Tony realized he was crying too. Steve’s explanation made sense. He could see how Steve would want to protect him from this knowledge, and it’s not like he hasn’t said some regrettable things when fighting with Steve or anyone else for that matter. But one fact remains.

“Steve you made me feel like you didn’t love me. That you were just waiting for a chance to leave. I was about to propose bonding and then you do this. Why was I not enough for you?” Saying this all to Steve felt good. Cleansing in a way.

“Tony, if nothing else you have to believe me when I say that I love you. And you are always enough for me. You are more than what I expected in this life. I thought I loved Bucky and that nothing would be worse than him leaving me. But that didn’t even begin to match the pain I felt when you left.”

“I didn’t leave. You did.” Tony corrected him mulishly.

Steve sighed and said, “Yes I left. And I will never do that again.”

“Answer truthfully, alright? Did you touch him?” Tony's stomach was churning at the very thought and he would wonder about this for the rest of his life if he didn’t get an answer.

“No. I told you. We were meeting as friends, not ex-lovers. The thought of anyone else touching me or me touching them is abhorrent to me Tony. You’re it for me.”

Tony got up abruptly and went to the windows, from where he could see all of Manhattan. Steve got up and came to stand behind him but understood Tony's unsaid need for space ad kept his distance.

“Give me one reason why I should forgive you.”

He turned and looked at Steve. He didn’t know what to do. In some part of his brain, what Steve did made some sense. But his heart was so sore and he didn’t want to feel like this ever again. Once burnt twice shy or whatever.

Steve stared at him for a long time, “Tony I love you. I can promise you that I will never ever be this stupid again. I have already cut all contact with Bucky. I don’t care about him at all. He was my past. You are my present and hopefully my future. You’re all I want in life. This one mistake should not destroy both of our happiness.”

Tony looked into that beloved face and couldn’t find a trace of deceit.

Mind made up he begins to lay out the plan that will make or break them.

“I will forgive you but there will be new rules in place. You have to follo....” he couldn’t finish before he was enveloped in a bone-crushing hug. Steve had buried his face in Tony's neck and had his arms around his waist in a vice.

“Thank you, thank you, thank you. You will not regret this.”

Tony let himself melt into the hug, desperate for contact with his alpha after these long and lonely months.

After a few minutes where no words were spoken Steve put him down.

“What are your conditions, Tony,” Steve asked, still smiling and clutching his hands like he’d never release them.

“We’ll go to couples counseling. That’s non-negotiable.”

Steve nodded at that so Tony continued.

“You will tell me about your life, no excluding me or protecting me from anything. That includes the army days. I’m not saying tell me every gory detail. But tell me how you feel and why.”

Steve looked uneasy at that, “it’s not pretty Tony.”

“I don’t care.” Steve acquiesced again and so Tony prepared himself for the worst condition.

“You can’t move back in just now.” Tony knew this one would hurt, but he didn’t trust Steve completely and the past months had set them back years.

Immediately Steve begins to protest it. “Tony baby no, please. I don’t like living without you. Waking up in the morning and not seeing you there feels like torture. Please. I’ll sleep in a different room but please let me come home.”

Tony shook his head and looked into Steve's eyes.

“We’re not there yet Steve. We have to work towards that again. We can’t pick up from where we left it. It doesn’t work like that. You really hurt me and I need time to heal.”

Steve looked broken like he had swallowed knives and they were cutting his insides up. But he said yes.

“I’ll do whatever you want Tony. Just don’t stop loving me.”

He didn’t know if saying it was the right decision or not but that didn’t stop him from whispering, “Never.”

After that Steve gathered him in his arms they both silently sobbed. Steve picked Tony up and walked over to the couch and put him in his lap, where he spent hours just scenting him stroking him.

Both vowing never to let the other go.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [My Tumblr](https://hannibalatemyheart.tumblr.com/)  
> Please visit and say hi. Also leave kudos and comments if you liked.  
> Concrit is most definitely welcome.

**Author's Note:**

> No beta. All mistakes are mine. If you liked it please leave a comment or kudos.  
> [My Tumblr](https://hannibalatemyheart.tumblr.com/)


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